One Fine Day
by united states of fail
Summary: Or: The Author's Attempt to Take On Crackfic.Please don't shoot me.


A/N: I don't own bright, warm sunny days, insane teachers, nerve gas, a crampon, a dark lord, the Fresh Prince theme, a spinning golden throne, The Lion King, the Tardis, the Doctor, Donna, Haggish, Red Hot Hot Sauce, etc...

It was a bright, warm, sunny day. The kind of day film crews for musicals set in the 1950's dream about. Not at all the sort of day anyone would expect something terrible to happen. Then again, no one ever expects the Spanish- I mean, the Death Eater Inquisition. This is a Harry Potter story after all, and it wouldn't do well to deviate from the plot quite this early. Ahem. Moving on.

It was a nice day, yadaa yadaa, and Ron and Harry were spending it locked in the Divination Tower. Yes, locked. Professor Trayonalawn had finally realized that none of her students were coming to class of their own free will, and had opted to employ the use of nerve gas throughout her more remedial students' dormitories. The doors were locked in the off chance that one of them would recover before the end of the bell. So they were sitting there, frozen with smiles of complete horror on their faces and occasionally letting out a frighteningly maniacal laugh, when suddenly a crampon shot out of nowhere and latched on to the windowsill. The students were too busy being all petrified and whatnot to actually do anything, and Trayonalawn was too high off of the fumes of all of her "classroom supplies" to realize the possibly negative implications of such an occurrence. Meanwhile, a certain Dark Lord proceeded to climb up the rope that was attached to said crampon, and upon arriving at the windowsill, climbed into the room in a blaze of melodramatic glory.

"...what smells like shit?"

Professor Trayonalawn, much to everyone's extreme horror, proceeded her overstuffed armchair into a ridiculously gaudy golden thrown, which, upon her sitting down, proceeded to spin in a delightful clockwise motion. How she managed to not fall out was really anyone's guess. Then, while spinning, and smoking a joint, she began to sing...

_Yo this is a story all about how_

_I got my chair to spin upside down_

_So pull up a pillow and sit right there_

_I'll tell you why a smell of shit is in the air._

_By my fortune-telling grandma I was raised_

_Her talents caused people to be quite amazed_

_I pretended I could do it so folks thought I was cool_

_'specially when I got this sweet gig here at the school_

_when a couple of kids who were up to no good_

_weren't sucking up the way I thought they should_

_I told 'em one little prediction and they all got scared_

_and said "get me away from that bitch and her psychotic hair."_

_I went nuts and got drunk down at the local inn_

_where I met a crazy man with a creepy grin_

_he sold me a stash of a paralyzing drug_

_and thus I started my transition into an insane thug._

Voldemort blinked once or twice, completely bewildered. "So...stop me if I'm wrong, but you bought a paralyzing drug off of a total stranger and decided to use it on your students. Am I correct?"

"Yes indeedy."

"And you did this because...they didn't like you?"

"Damn brats. Think they're gonna drop out of my class."

"And yet I couldn't get a job here?"

Trayonalawn shrugged. "Life's not fair, is it?"

From a throne in the feline equivalent of Hell, Scar agreed.

"But why does the room smell like shit? You never mentioned it in your song."

"Oh-"

Her answer to the Dark Lord's burning question was cut off by a V_worp! Vworp! Vworp!_ A large, blue outdated police box appeared in the center of the classroom, crushing Hannah Abbot.

"Noooo-oh wait, I'm paralyzed. I mean, ..."

Neville's dramatic use of elypses was cut short by the bickering duo coming out of the box. "I told you, left at Alpha Centuri. Now we're completely lost."

"Awe, no, we're not lost, per say. This is just a detour. A very large, confusing...are we in Scotland?"

"...there's spells on this place so it can't be located! How do you know where this is?"

"I would recognize the beautiful stench of haggish anywhere! I'm home!"

Donna blinked at him. "Are you suddenly Scottish? Does this mean I suddenly get to be American? Yo dawg, wassup?"

They turned to face the confused Dark Lord, the paralyzed students, and the teacher who was baked like a fucking pretzel. "Yo suspect, what be the 411?"

"Suspect? What do you mean, suspect? Those weren't my drugs, I was just holding them for a friend. The students got them from somewhere, and I was trying to teach them the dangers of drugs with a real life demonstration. Isn't that right, kiddies? Don't do drugs! Ahaha..."

"You imbecile," groaned the D.L. "She's using Ebonics, a technique employed by the American gangster muggles to confuse their prey. We, however, or at least I, am too smart for this diversion. Therefore, I'm going to get back to what I came here for in the first place: brutally slaughtering you all in a manner that takes too much time and isn't definitely going to keep you dead. Won't that be fun?"

"Yo doc! I know you be all "objective" an' shit, at least when it be all convenient for ya, but shouldn't we save them kids? I mean, they is kids an' all. They supposed to be our future an' shit."

"Aye, lass, it's in me nature to save the kiddies, but Ah'm a bit preoccupied getting caught up on being in mah homeland. Savin' the world, it can wait. Haggish, on the other hand, there's only goin' to be so much o' it. What'll we do when it's gone, lass?"

Donna considered for a moment, before caving in. "Dawg, got any Red Hot?"

As the two of them sat enjoying their haggish, with Donna smacking her lips in appreciation of its delicate nuances, Voldie paced from side to side, trying to determine who he was going to kill first. True, Potter was his sworn enemy, ect. However, the other was just so...so..._ginger._ It wasn't just that his hair was red. It was this ungodly shade of orange, that in combination with his white eyelashes and pasty complexion, completely offended any and all right-minded people. The thing was, though, even if he killed him, the hair would still be there, being all orange and unnatural.

He shuddered. He would have to use the blowtorch for this one. Might as well do Potter first. Simpler that way. He pulled out his wand to Avada Kadavra the Boy who certainly wouldn't be alive for much longer, and-

A knock at the door. Damn it all. Probably that old geezer Dumblesnore and his desperate group of female lackies who were never going to break off a piece of that, no matter how hard they tried. Trayonalawn, who was still too damn baked to even notice that anything was off, got up and staggered towards the door, singing all the while.

_Could it be Santa? _

_Could that be him?_

_Could it be the one who brings presents_

_for a cucumber like me?_

_A good cucumber like meeee?_

She threw open the door with a dramatic flourish and allowed a short, rather rotund man and his peevish looking assistant to enter. Despite their peasants' garb, both carried themselves with an air of dignity and refinement-which of course made it worse when they began to sing (the younger one with rather less enthusiasm than the other)

_We're tea freaks_

_and we have come to serve you tea_

_Oh, yes! We've come to serve you tea_

_It's spiked with Vodka, some lovely Vodka_

_with a side of Moon Spirit-_ Zhao!

Everyone swiveled and looked at the ghost. "Zhao, you can't be here," Zuko whined. "You're dead."

"D'aaawe, man! Everyone else gets to be all alive and stuff, why am I the one who has to be dead?"

"Um, because YOU KILLED THE MOON SPIRIT? And don't act like I didn't try and save you, 'cause I did!"

"Fine then, I'm just gonna go hang out with Cedric Diggory. There's a character who knows what it's like to be killed off too early in the series."

Voldemort leaned down and whispered to Trayonalawn, "didn't he turn into a fairy?"

"You were there, not me."

"Anyways, I am now going to turn Harry into a fairy- I mean, kill him. However, my spell isn't overly prolonged enough, so I've called up my good friend M. Night Shamalan for special FX. Hey Shammy, how's it going?"

"My wife and kids have left me for butchering one of their favorite TV shows, and I've been run out of nearly every English speaking country there is, but yeah, other than that, I am great. So, I hear you're in need of some super!special effects?"

"Yeah, man! Totally! I was thinking about really focusing on the choreography of the spell casting, instead of the actual spell itself. Think you can do that?"

"Oh yeah, definitely. What do you say I give you a five minute routine and through in some backup dancers, and then cut to an extreme!close up for the part where you actually say the words. And then, then, man, get this, we'll have all that, and the spell itself is a really simple beam of light! How ironically cool would that be?"

"Oh my god, yes! A total surprise! Potter will never see it coming!"

From her perch amongst the petrified students, Donna nudged the Doctor. "Yo, dawg, they settin' yo ass up for an intense ass twist. M. Night good fo' that. He deep, man. He real deep."

"Ya think I'm not aware of that, lassie? Ya treat me like I was born yesterday, but I'm not! I'm a 700 year old time lord from the planet Gallifrey! I think I know a thing or two about a thing or two."

"Shhh," Trayonalawn chimed in, spitting popcorn kernels everywhere. "They're about to get to the good part."

"Yeah, bitch. Shut the fuck up," Donna growled at the Doctor.

3,2,1! Action!

"Potter," Voldemort hissed while circling the still paralyzed Harry, "I've waited years for this day to arrive. You have no idea how many people I've had to kill to get here. Then again, you probably do, seeing as how your precious mummy was one of them. I didn't want to kill her. Does that surprise you? I really had no intention on killing her. All she had to do was get the fuck out of my way, and I would have killed you, and she would have been alive today. I told her as much, and gave her ample time to skedaddle. But no. She sat there, like a total nincompoop. For twenty minutes. I got hungry, made a sandwich, ate it, used the bathroom, and made a phone call while waiting for her to get the hell out of my way. Eventually, I had to kill her. I was bidding on the Elder Wand on EBay, and I had to get home in time to place my final bid. Thanks to that bitch, however, and the power of love, I lost out on it forever...and now you're going to pay."

The lights then went out, and then came back on, only this time, dramatically dimmed for serious effect. The Dark Lord had been joined by Draco Malfoy, Haru of the Earth Kingdom, Nightwing, Prince Naveen of Malcedonia, and Jacob Black. They were all wearing matching blue loincloths, and began waving their hips and arms in psynch to the music as they sang.

_(D, H, NW, NV, J)_

_What's going on here_

_can someone please tell me_

_Don't know how I got here,_

_get me back to reality!_

_(V)_

_Don't worry guys_

_It will be alright _

_Just siiing_

_(V)_

_I'm just a Dark Lord_

_Don't need your sympathy_

_Because I'm evil here,_

_evil there,_

_little evil everywhere_

_any way the whim goes_

_doesn't really matter to me, to me._

_Potter, I will kill you_

_Put my wand up to your head_

_say the words and you'll be dead_

_Potter, life had just begun,_

_but then I lost the good years all to you_

_Potter, I'll kill you_

_(D,H,NW,NV,J)Everybody panic!_

_(V) Then I'll get the wand_

_And I'll be back again this time tomorrow_

_Everyone's gonna die_

_And that's all that really matters_

The door swung open one last final time, and there stood Hermione Granger, in a typical action girl pose, complete with dramatic blowing hair despite a distinct lack of wind in that part of the castle. All of Voldie's backup dancers swooned, and instantly fell in love with her upon sight despite her prominently large front teeth. She too began to sing.

_(HG) Too late, your time is up_

_I'm through with being dumb_

_I went out and bought a gun_

_Say goodbye to your plan_

_to kill my friends_

_gonna splatter your skull_

_across the room_

_Guys, ewwww_

_(D,H,J,NW,N) Something smells like shit-_

_You don't wanna die_

_ShouldaShoulda thought of that before you fucked with me-_

It was at that point that the Doctor had finally had enough of all of this pointless violence and nonsense. "Goodbye, my love," he whispered to the remainder of his haggish. "We'll always have Hogwarts."

With that, he whipped out the sonic screwdriver, and used it to break every mechanical and magical device within three miles. "All hail my handy plot-fixing dues ex machina! Lazy writers, what would we do without you?"

"Oh well now you've gone and done it!" screamed newly-not-American!Donna. "What are we going to do about the bad guy now? _Sing _at him?"

"Hmmm," mulled the Doctor as Voldemort burst into tears and sat down to have a good cry over yet another Potter Plan being spoiled again. However, Hermione Granger Girl Genius was one step ahead of them yet again as she invoked the use of the ancient art of fisticuffs. She jumped the Dark Lord and beat him to a righteous pulp, which considering his emotional state after his failed plan, wasn't particularly difficult, and sent Trayonalawn off to fetch Gryffyndor's sword. After she came back with a butterknife, a breadknife, and a popsicle, Hermione went off to fetch it herself, leaving him alone with some of the most incompetent people in the world.

"Whatever you do, do not untie him, understand? I will be right back. Donna, I'm leaving you in charge, okay? If any of them untie him, I want you to beat the shit out of them. Got it?"

Five minutes after she left, Voldemort woke up, and quickly realizing the situation, set about escaping.

"I have to pee."

"Okay."

"Doctor, if you untie him, so help me I will push you out of that window."

"Oh? I'd like to see you try."

And of course, Donna, being unable to resist a challenge, attempted to shove the Doctor out of the window. However, he's the Doctor, so he was all sorts of prepared for her assault, and adjusted his center of gravity so that when she charged him, he simply caught her and flipped her out the window.

"DAMN YOU DOCTORRRRrrrr"_Whoomp._

_ "_Quick! Let me go to the bathroom before she comes back!"

As soon as they had the ropes off, Voldemort grabbed Zuko's dual blades and used them to hold the Doctor hostage.

"Crap. My swords."

"If anyone dares come after me, I'll kill him. Don't think I won't!"

Iroh mused for a moment. "Where exactly are you intending on taking him?"

"Um...err...um...where do you want to go?"

"How's Mars sound?"

This caught the Dark Lord off guard. "You mean as in...the planet Mars?"

"No, I mean the inside of the candy bar. Yes, the planet Mars."

"But...but how will we get there?"

"Ah, this is the TARDIS. TARDIS, ugly snake man, ugly snake man, TARDIS. Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. We can go anywhere, at any time."

"...14 years ago?"

"Fourteen THOUSAND years ago."

"...LET'S GO TO MARS!"

With that, the two of them dissapeared into the depths of the TARDIS, which promptly dissapeared with its customary _vworp!vworp!vworp!_

Hermione ran back in to find the tea servers and backup dancers standing around looking equal parts confused and guilty as hell.

"You untied him."

"Well, specifically, it was the doctor-"

"Where's Donna?"

"She fell out the window."

"..."

"Here, have some tea. I take you as a...hmm, Jasmine woman. Yes, Jasmine tea will be a good match for you-"

"My foot is going to be a good match for your ass in a minute if you don't help me find them. Did they give any indication of where they were going?"

Zuko and Iroh looked at each other, and shrugged. "Something about Mars? But that's a planet. How the hell would they get there..."

Hermione stood up straight, and pointed dramatically into the distance. "Pack your bags, gentlemen. We're going to California."

_The End...?_

A/N: Oh God, please forgive me for this...


End file.
